Thursday, October 25, 2012

On my way to finding the happy place.

Yesterday I wasn’t fully honest.
((Don’t worry I’m still not depressed.))

It’s not just that I’m tired that has put me in a cranky-pants mood.
I’m a stewer, that’s what has put me in a cranky-pants mood.

stewer – (n.) \stü-ər/ – one who does not move past crap; one who dwells on stupid stuff; one who needs to grow up.

Normally, I am not a stewer. Normally, I get mad (including yelling, venting, and maybe throwing a thing or two), and then I get over it. That’s me normally. I am not built to bottle up my rage. When I’m angry, generally we all know it, and we all know why. HOWEVER, there have been two things that I just haven’t been able to vent about and they are eating me up.

So I’ve decided screw it. I’m venting about them.

As you might - or might not - have noticed, I’m no longer working on The Lilypad’s creative team. It was not an easy decision to make, nor is it one that I’m not constantly second guessing. The Lilypad was my happy little digital scrapbooking home, and I loved it. (Don’t get me wrong, I still love the place and the designers and the community.) Not being a Polly is well, awkward. I don’t really want to be active or anything because I don’t want to draw attention to the fact that it no longer says Polly under my name. Because then I’ll have to answer the question of “WHY?” and honestly, that’s not really a question I’m happy answering.
Not talking about my leaving the team is probably the number one thing keeping me in this bad mood. It’s like this living, breathing thing inside of me that only needs the slightest provocation to be a roaring monster. It’s made me paranoid about some of the people I worked with because any slight over there now makes me wonder “Is this on purpose?” because I don’t know what’s been said about it – if anything even has. Which is just stupid. This is not the type of person I am, nor is it the type of people that the other people of The Lilypad are. They’re NICE people. And I am not a pessimist. Nor am I generally a paranoid fool. Yet, every time someone has noticed my non-Polly status and asked about it I become a paranoid-pessimist all over again… and it lasts for DAYS. This is not acceptable any longer, so here we go.

I chose to step down as a Polly. I wasn’t kicked off the team.
I was asked to please reconsider, but by the time that I decided to do it, well, I was still working through my feelings on the whole situation that led up to my decision. The situation? Well, we can just sum it up as a misunderstanding coupled with wounded pride. As I stated above though, I still love The Lilypad, and I really hope my awkward feelings pass soon because it is one of the best places to be as a digital scrapbooker, and those awkward feelings – THOSE ARE ALL ON ME. And I miss feeling like I’m at home.

The other situation, well, it doesn’t require nearly as much explanation.
The Parents Day Out program that I am working at is shutting down in January 2013. Our church is having some money issues and the program isn’t even breaking even with operating costs. Since I love my church, and want to see it doing well, I understand and support their decision. But I’m still sad about it because I absolutely love my job.

I’m already feeling a little better and lighter.

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