Thirty-four weeks.

I’m pretty sure Baby’s dropping was just a joke on me. Either that or this baby is going to be going from the right position to breech on and off repeatedly like Bella did.

You can do a lot of changing in 10 years.

Ten years ago I had just had Zach. I didn’t put much thought at all into parenting stuff, and I didn’t put any thought at all into labor. I didn’t put thought into breastfeeding or circumcision or vaccinations or co-sleeping or, well, anything. I had just been trying to get through my junior year of high school and praying that he stayed in until I was done with the school year and that, please Lord, my water wouldn’t break while I was at school.

After he was born we did breastfeeding and bed sharing. Zach was such a sweet and easy baby and he made my first year as a mom such a breeze. I never put thought into if were going to be breastfeeding or not. I was raised seeing my mom breastfeed my younger siblings and my aunt breastfeed my cousins; it’s what moms did, so, I did. He was exclusively breastfed until I returned to school in the fall, and continued breastfeeding until he was about one. My favorite time of the day was coming home from school and nursing him. It wasn’t until years and years later that someone pointed out how odd it was for a 17 year old high school student to go into breastfeeding so unquestionably and continue doing it for a year. He also continued to sleep in my bed until right before Ryan was born.

The only way that I can keep a secret.

I hate secrets. Really. It may be something small and silly that I wouldn’t normally even give two thoughts to, but if you tell me that I can’t talk about it it will be all that I can think about. Big secrets? They KILL me.

One of the things that I have noticed is that when I have something big going on in my own life, and it isn’t something that I can really blog about, it is all that I then want to blog about. I can’t get inspired or motivated to blog about anything else. Thus, I tend to just not blog so that I don’t have to worry about it. As you might have noticed, I haven’t been blogging.

And this is why.

Patterns are scary when you have 4 kids.

Maybe I should clarify that and say that patterns are scary when you already have four kids, and you don’t want any more, and you notice patterns that go the same with your previous times of having kids.
(I’m not overthinking this at all, am I?)

THE PATTERN:

1. Someone gets potty trained. When I got close to having Ryan the little boy that my mom watched – Jared (also Zach’s best friend) was getting potty trained. Even though Zach was only about 18 months at the time, he too started potty training then. (Though he still wasn’t fully potty trained – daytime – until he was 2.) Then with Bella, Ryan started potty training at about the same time I got pregnant with her and made it out of diapers and pull ups about a month before she was born. Bella first started potty training a few months before I got pregnant with Mason and was fully potty trained right before I had him. Mason has recently started showing a real interest in the potty and has gone to the bathroom several times in the potty.

Mason Spencer's Arrival

Well it all started Wednesday at my 40 week check up... 

Once we found out how big Mason probably already was my doctor started pushing the idea of a c-section, his reasoning - you won't be able to push that baby out. I basically told him there was no way I was having a baby that big, just going by the other kids' birth sizes and mine and John's it just wasn't possible. Yes, I would agree that Mason would probably be a bit bigger than the others, but not THAT MUCH bigger. I mean just going by John and I it wasn't possible, I'm 4' 11" and a bit over 100 pounds and John is 5' 8" and 140. A baby measuring close to 7 pounds at 36ish weeks has to be just a misreading of the ultrasound.

Back to my last check up... I talked the doctor out of c-section for the beginning of the next week. We came to the agreement that we would try an induction on Friday, the 23rd, and if he was unhappy with the amount of progress I wouldn't argue over switching to a c-section. To me this was a huge win because I just couldn't bring myself to just setting out to birth with the plan of it being a c-section.

Thursday was a whirl wind of doing last minute baby prep. I didn't do a lot, but I delegated a lot. John went ahead and took the time off work and my family all came to help. After taking Bella in to the doctor's and picking up a few last minute things needed from the store I felt horrible. My stomach had gotten so big that the skin and muscle always hurt, and even the slightest bump to it felt like someone was stabbing me. I wasn't having any contractions or even Braxton Hicks, I just felt bad. Not to mention how horribly swollen my feet, hands, and ankles were. I decided since everyone else was at the house helping - including my older brother who would be sleeping over to take the boys to school the next day (we'd have to leave by 4:30 am for the induction) - that the least I could do was make something easy for dinner for everyone. It was great having everyone over and as long as I was sitting I enjoyed it too. It kept me from freaking out over how it would all go the next day. I went to bed praying that I'd already made some progress on my own in hopes that the induction would work.

At 10:30 I felt this weird thing. It wasn't a pop like when my water broke with Bella. It felt more like a kick - but not a kick. I had to go to the bathroom anyway so I figured I'd just get up and go and see if anything happened. Well it did. I stood up and this steady stream of liquid just started coming out. Once it slowed I sort of hobbled to the bathroom and made it there just in time for a bigger gush and some bleeding. My water broke. My water broke a lot. From that point on I leaked and gushed almost the whole entire time until Mason got stuck in the birth canal. It was gross. I was so wet from it by the time we arrived at the hospital I almost refused to go in it was so embarrassing. John and my grandmother had to force me into a wheelchair to get me in. However... like everyone pregnant in the area had apparently gone into labor also so we had to wait.

All it took was one big gush of water on the emergency room's floor and, voila!, there is suddenly room for me in Labor and Delivery. lol At some point on the way to the hospital my contractions finally started, but they wouldn't stay regular, and each time I had one it would cause even more water to gush out. I was a right mess by the time I got into a room, plus having another contraction, so it took two nurses to help me undress, put on the gown, and get into the bed. I was so happy when they checked me and said that I was dilated 1 cm and had already started to efface. It wasn't as much progress as I was hoping for, but it was some. When my doctor called the hospital to say I was on my way he told them to go ahead and proceed with the induction as well, I think he figured I'd need all the help I could get, so I was immediately offered pain medicines and hooked up to IVs. 

Once the pain medicines were started things got kind of foggy until around 4 am. I woke up at 4 freezing, shaking, out of it and feeling like I was about to throw up. Turned out my blood pressure dropped from 120/88 to 80/50 something. The epidural amount plus all the fluids I was losing had caused my blood pressure to crash. So the epidural was cut down, and they tripled the amount of fluids going into me. My blood pressure started correcting almost immediately, however by about 5:30 we realized the epidural might still might be too much because I couldn't feel anything in my stomach or legs at all. If it wasn't for Mason's heartbeat increasing and getting louder with each contraction I never would have known when I was having one, I couldn't even feel his movements. 

At 6 the nurse came in and put me on oxygen. When I asked her why she said that Mason seemed to be going a little into distress and they needed to get more oxygen to him. I asked her about checking my progress, because the last time they had was around 4 when I woke up and I was only at 3. She said sure, but that my doctor had arrived and was getting ready to come see if I'd made enough progress to continue the induction or to see about preparing for a c-section. She said with mine and Mason's overall health he was really leaning to just doing a c-section. Then she goes to check me and only got as far as lifting the blanket. Mason was crowning... her reaction "Oh my God, that is his head. I'm going to get your doctor now, we're having baby."

If before sucked this part was actually even worse. 

I couldn't really push, or at least not enough to do any good. I got as much as his head out and then nothing. I couldn't get the rest of him out, not even with the doctor trying to guide him as well. We ended up having to have two nurses pushing on my stomach, another using a vacuum, and in the end the doctor still had to reach in, grab Mason by the shoulder and pull while all of us also pushed. They finally had him out, but things were just starting.

Mason wasn't breathing. They placed him on me, told me to rub his chest, then they got busy trying to get him breathing. After a minute that took forever they got him to take a few breaths, but it was a rough few minutes to keep him breathing. Those moments of holding him, and feeling his little heart beat, but not feeling his chest rise and fall for breathing was terrifying. I think by the time they got him going enough to do his measurements we were all still in so much shock that none of us really noticed when the nurse said how big he was. At least not until the doctor said "Wait, how much did you say he is?!"

We got to hold him for about an hour and then we had to hand him over to NICU because his breathing was messing up every so often again. But I had him back by noonish and he's been perfect since.

Mason Spencer - 3/23/12 @ 6:39 am, 9 lbs 12 oz, 21 inches

WIP Wednesday

work in progress #1.

I am aware that I need to quit dragging my feet and get that baby blanket done before Mason arrives. You can find the pattern and yarns listed here.

work in progress #2.

Mr. Mason Spencer.
39 weeks in utero today. Other than his usually silliness when it came to trying to get his heartbeat – he moves, literally shifts my whole stomach, every time they put the wand on me, there is nothing to report. At all. Nada. I haven’t even put on weight.

Oh and totally forgot about Wordless Wednesday…
My two favorite pictures from today’s beautiful spring day.

linking up here, here, here, here, and here.
linking up the bottom one here as well.

Mommy Diaries #5 & Lists

First up….

Now, my get it done lists. I have two, the first is my hospital bag packing list (yeah – I’m about to be 39 weeks and I still haven’t packed it. Sue me. Usually I run around panicking when I go into labor and pack it then.) the next is my (and John’s and the boys’) to get done around the house before going into labor list. I really don’t want to do anything on that list. I’m very fortunate to never get plagued by that annoying symptom known as “nesting.”

Having trouble reading my handwriting?
It’s OK, you’re in good company. Most people have trouble reading it as well.

Hair, shower, bump.

Yesterday….

Zach came home Monday in a horrible mood. Turns out kids at school have been picking on him for having “girl” hair. So… he decided to get a hair cut! He hadn’t had one since like August. Wet (even then it still curls) his hair in the front came down past his eyes. Now, unfortunately, he actually does look like he’s about to be 8.

Yesterday also…
My mom has been telling me for about a week that I have to come in this Thursday to eat lunch with her. She misses working with me and wanted to see me. I was think “Um, odd, but OK.” I was also half convinced it was going to be some sort of surprise baby shower. (I’m not so good with surprises by the way.) Then she called me Monday to say nevermind, something came up on Thursday, can I please come on Tuesday. This sort of killed my thoughts that it would be a surprise shower, because you obviously don’t just change the date days before.

Yeah… it was a surprise shower. lol
Turns out my mom actually wrote down the wrong date, so she told me the wrong date. I guess it’s a good thing that she did because that meant I actually was surprised when I walked down the hall to her class and see in the kitchen a “It’s a boy!” banner, cupcakes, and a basket of presents.

38 Weeks

(yes I am aware I have a dirty bathroom mirror.)

While They Still Be Three

As baby time gets closer and closer I get more and more nervous. Not about Mason. Not even really about labor. Not about dealing with a newborn again.

Nope, what I’m worried about is mostly out of my control. I mean, yeah I can influence how it goes some, but for the most part, it just isn’t up to me.

Now see, what I am worried about is how my current three kiddos are going to react, when all is said and done, with a new baby in the house. The boys are actually old enough now to really have strong negative feelings towards Mason coming. I mean Zach has been battling negative feelings on it since the beginning. He never even wanted a new baby to begin with. He was actually pretty darn adamant that he did not want a new baby. Before I got pregnant, Ryan was desperate for us to have another baby, and the boy hasn’t had second thoughts since. It was wonderful during our shaking beginning to the pregnancy to have someone just so overwhelmingly excited about it. I sincerely hope and pray his positive attitude about Mason carries through once Mason actually arrives.

Bella – Bella’s a tough one.

She isn’t really old enough to really understand it all. Sometimes she’s happy, sometimes, well, sometimes she seems sort of like “Eh, OK, enough about the baby now.” I don’t think she grasps the fact that the baby will be here to stay. There won’t be any mommy coming at the end of the day to take the baby away. He’ll be here to stay, and he will cut into her Mommy-Bella time.

I know all about making the kids feel apart of caring for the baby, and making sure I keep time just for them, and all that other fun stuff. BUT… at the core of it, it comes down to them. Well, I have decided to use this break from work before having Mason to devote everything to them. Mason is going to come and change a lot in our house, and for now, I want them to see and know just how important they are to me still – especially the boys since our time together will be full of Bella and Mason. (Bella will still get a little more one-on-one time with me than the boys)

We started our time yesterday (my first actual day off work) by playing at the park and then doing a little picture of taking of the kiddos just as three. (Especially since the next time I do group pictures they’ll probably be four.)

And lastly… me and my boys.

coming to you via the kindle

So, I figured since the only times I sit at the computer is to get the bare minimum done on computer things I need to do that I would try something new. Well here I am, attempting to relax on the couch while I tap all of this out on my kindle. Smart idea, eh?

((Lets just hope that my kindle doesn't do the crazy word swaps that it loves to do on Facebook... or if it does I actually catch them.))

This whole relaxing bit is such a sham. I can't relax anymore. These stupid, stupid braxton hicks are killing me. Or we hope they're braxton hicks, because my goal is for Mason to stay put until at least March, and we have 5 more weeks until D-Day. These stupid "fake contractions" just can't make up their mind. They come regularly, but we hit the five minute mark and those suckers go random again. I've never had them this much before, and yes, I definitely plan on bringing them up Wednesday at my next appointment.

Well, this has taken FOREVER already so I will stop here for tonight.

Breast or Bottle?

I didn’t really want to bring this over to this blog. I got tons (as in most) of my blog hits at the old blog on my posts regarding breast vs. bottle, and I really don’t want that here. As a matter of fact – before you even continue reading this – know this, this post is not a debate on what is best, it’s me trying to work through my own feelings on this in relation to the fact that I’m about to be having another baby.

And another for the record – the fact that I would even need to add a disclaimer is freaking ridiculous.

I have never ever gone into these weeks leading up to having a baby trying to figure out how I would feed said baby. I just always knew that I would breastfeed. After having Zach I was like determined-obsessed because nursing him was wonderful and I was able to nurse him until he self-weaned around one. Ryan refused to breastfeed. I tried. I tried until we were both red faced and crying and angry. This, however, just made me so much more determined to breastfeed Bella; I was desperate to have that same sort of experience that I had with Zach.

Those first few months breastfeeding Bella were wonderful. It was just like with Zach all over again. She took right to it, my milk more than came in, she seemed to be attached to me constantly – but I didn’t mind too much, I was just so happy to have a good experience with breastfeeding again.

And then it all came crashing down around me. Bella was diagnosed as failure to thrive after only gaining two pounds in the first four months of her life. We went into massive debt taking her to different doctors and getting tests done. She constantly got sick. One boy having a slight stuffy nose would cause her to have pneumonia or bronchitis. I held her down so that the doctors could take vial after vial of blood from her, so they could poke at her, so they could do yet another set of x-rays. And when all was said and done it was determined that since they could find nothing wrong, and since she started gaining weight beautifully when she was switched to formula that the problem was, well, me. There must have been something wrong with my breast milk. How the hell do I reconcile myself with this?

So now here we are. I’m weeks (hopefully) from having Mason and I don’t know what to do. I deep down ache and long to nurse him. I dream about it. I can picture it in my mind. I can remember what it feels like to have that warm little body cuddled into me and nursing. And I want it again so badly. After going through all we did with Bella, and Ryan refusing to nurse, I’ve kept a firm line of no, I can’t do it. I can’t put myself through that again. I won’t. Deep down inside me, right next to that longing to breastfeed a child of mine again, is a deep dark fear. What if it happens again? Can I seriously go into this knowing I might be endangering another child?

I know that Bella was probably just a fluke. I know that Ryan refusing to nurse was just a fluke. But lets face it, my track record kind of sucks. I don’t know if I can put myself through all this again emotionally. Even if Mason is a champion nurser, even if he stays healthy and gains weight, I’m going to live in fear that the doctor will have to tell me bad news again… and that again it will come down to this. I am just so tied up and confused about this all and I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried praying about it, but obviously I haven’t determined an answer from that. I don’t talk to people (well, other than my mom and John) about it. I can’t. I’m so sick of people saying with Bella and Ryan I should have just tried harder, or ignored the doctors and continued breastfeeding. I’m sick of having to even justify the idea of not even trying to nurse. So tell me, how am I supposed to sit down and talk to someone about it?

Oh, and if even one person comes on here and says – “Well, just remember, it all comes down to the fact that the breast is always best” I will delete your comment and find some way to make your life hell.

(Not a bit) Wordless Wednesday

First…

Let’s just put it here and here.

So, we have this big ticket question…
Where the hell have you gone Trish???

Well, no, no baby or anything like that. We can take giving birth to an adorable baby boy off the list because as the picture above (from today) shows, I am still very much pregnant. 34 weeks today to be precise. At this point, I’m feeling like I’ll be pregnant forever; it totally doesn’t matter that the two weeks between my last check up and my one today seem non-existent.

A tad bit of cuteness from over this weekend…

Now to the not-so-cuteness…

I haven’t been blogging because I’ve been waiting to be in a better mood. Every day something happens to put me in a major pissy mood, and then I just want to get on here and not only vent it all out, but to also verbally rip into and tear apart everyone that has been pissing me off.

And no, as one friend put it, I don’t want to just always put on a happy façade. I won’t lie. I am not always a happy person. BUT. I always come to regret the very personal rants that I would post, and then they never went away. They would bring in tons of views to my old blog, but that isn’t exactly what I want people coming to my blog for.

But for brief not so pissy recap:
- People piss me off.
- My family (not John and kids) are going back and forth frustrating and pissing me off.
- John is sometimes really pissing me off.

Yes, each one involves the word “piss” but trust me, that’s way less pissy than any of the posts I’ve made about those. And extremely less than the Mommy Diary videos I made about them.

Then lets add a little insult to injury.
Parent/Teacher Conferences were last week. Zach’s conference was the first (and hopefully only) time I’ve gone into a conference and not heard a single good thing about one of my kids. And then having it be Zach… I almost expect to one day have to have a conference with one of Ryan’s teachers where nothing good is said (because he will one day outgrow the whole “but he is also so sweet and lovable.”) but I never expected it of Zach, which made it soooo much worse.

Long story short, Zach is very, very, very grounded. As he will be for a good long time.

These hormones just suck. They make every thing so much freaking worse.

Lets end on some happy notes shall we?
These came in the mail last week from my great friend Sara. I met her online on Justmommies.com several years ago, and with our mutual love of digital scrapbooking we’ve gotten to know each other very well. I totally ((heart)) me some awesome hand-me-downs. Especially boy ones. Now I don’t feel so totally unprepared for Mason.

And hopefully this is the start of me kicking my butt out of this funk and getting back to the regularly scheduled blogging fun.

A video, a template, and a review

First off…

Yes! Another new edition of the Mommy Diaries.
Next, a new template! (It is Tuesday after all – or so I think. lol)

((download no longer available))
There is only a 12x12 version in PDF and TIFF forms this week. If anyone would like the other size or sketch format just let me know and I’ll try to help you out. Oh, and make sure you go and snag last week’s before I take down the link.
Lastly, I finished reading the last book in “The Hunger Games” series yesterday.

I’ve been hearing so much about them lately (what with the movie coming out soon and all) and after the shocker of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo I figured I should actually read these and get an idea of them before deciding to see the movie.
So… what did I think of them?
I liked them well enough. I debated with myself a little over if I wanted to keep reading them after the first. It wasn’t that I didn’t like it or enjoy it, I just had a really hard time actually getting into the book. At first it was one of those books that I just had to tell myself “No! You will finish this book!” I did get more into it as I went, but that kind of beginning is just never a good sign for me with a series.
I decided to go ahead and go on to the second, and while I didn’t have any problems getting into it, I didn’t quite like it as much as the first. No particular reason why. BUT I did like it enough to just have to find out how it ends, thus giving me no qualms over buying the last book. And I really did like the last book. Especially the way it ended.
Overall – I liked them well enough. Maybe won’t read them a gazillion times, but I’d probably read them again, and I really want to see how they translate as a movie.
((lol – I totally just reviewed while giving no spoilers! Go me!!))
I was excited to read these, not because the story sounded like something awesome to me, lol, but because they were the first books I got on my Kindle, and I was able to get the first two free through lending sites and Amazon. (John has a Prime Membership) Couldn’t find the last one anywhere available for free, and would have waited until February to get it free from Amazon, so I broke down and bought it, but it was only $6, which in all sense means I only paid $6 to read all three. Score. lol

Thirty Weeks and Mommy Diaries

and...

 

How sad is this?

I've decided we'd go with the brutal honesty approach today.

I have - honest to the Lord up above - avoided blogging all day. If you are wondering why it's because that darned 30 Day Photo challenge thing. Don't get me wrong, I have the picture, but it was on what I wore, so I had John take it, and I look bad.
*gulp*
I really don't want to show you this. It makes my eyes sad. BUT... I will.

30 Day Photo Challenge #2 - What you wore today (yesterday)

Baggy gray v-neck shirt (stretched to the nth degree from Old Navy
Gray and Melon striped undershirt from I have no idea where - hand-me-down from my little sister
Maternity jeans from Motherhood Maternity.

I look at this picture and just think "Ewww." I can see all those extra pounds that I said I wasn't putting on this time. And as sad as I am sure this is to say, this picture just makes me think this: "God I don't want to get fat."

Now that I've thoroughly experienced a severe case of word vomit I think we should probably move on before I make it even worse... and yes, I can always make it worse.

Anyway... it's Tuesday (well at least I have a bit over an hour left to my Tuesday - again - blame the picture, I just didn't want to blog that picture) and on Tuesdays I have to come up with a template for the Digital Scrapbooking board over on JustMommies, so I figured I'd go ahead and offer it up here as well. It works out if you are a paper scrapbooker as well... I made it into a sketch form for y'all.

This be the template, just click it to download download no longer available:

The download includes PSD, TIFF, sketch, AND all the previous mentioned also in an 8.5x11 format as well. Ain't I accommodating?
Here is what I did with it. I combined it with a portfolio challenge over at Sweet Shoppe.

Click it for credits.

And one last thing for the night.
Over on her blog, Amy Martin - hey I work with her! - Amy went over her stats for scrapbooking last year and showed her favorite pages. I figured I'd share mine as well.

I scrapped 177 pages - no hybrid projects - and no incomplete pages waiting to be finished. I pulled up my favorite page from each month last year and put them all here:

And that is all folks. So long, and gosh-darn-good night.

Potty Queen and Pinning Wins

John “You want to hear my new goal?”
Me “Sure! What is it?” 

John “Well, see you know…”
Me *busy thinking about…* “WAIT! I think I need to go pee first!”
*run out of kitchen to bathroom*

John “Please then, don’t let me stop you.”
Me *from way over on other side of living room* “But John! I've always wanted to go pee on the floor!”

This is much funnier when you remember that I am almost 7 (!!!OMG!!!) months pregnant and peeing is now very serious business. 

This is just a taste of the types of posts you can expect. I love blogging those random silly conversations that you hear going around my house. It gets even better when you add the boys in.

And this totally just in.

<---I pinned that from one of the cutest blogs e.v.e.r an hour earlier. 48 REPINS IN AN HOUR. Obviously I have an excellent eye for the cute. Totally reaffirms my need to do that idea.